Personal Updates and Reflections

So, naturally, after making a commitment to exercise regularly, I was injured again.  Running last Thursday, I bumped my total up half a mile, and did more slow running and less walking, and literally on the last step as I was shutting off the HRM, I felt me left knee buckle and my entire leg gave out.  I was in a lot of pain.  By Friday afternoon, I was concerned that I did some serious damage to my knee.  After some pain medication it felt much better by Saturday, so I’m highly certain that it’s not the knee itself, but something with the muscles.  It’s still not 100%, but I can walk on it without limping, which also tells me it’s not the knee.  Any real knee damage wouldn’t heal that fast.  I can still feel it, and also now I feel it more in the thigh and upper calf, which are definitely muscles.

So, despite my vow to increase the exercise and get this weight back off, that didn’t happen obviously.  I couldn’t do anything through the weekend.  Besides my leg, I got stuck working most of the weekend on a messed up implementation, so I don’t know if I could have done much in any event.  Might try some light stuff tonight, if not by tomorrow I’d like to start.

Despite not being able to exercise, my eating habits are now officially atrocious.  Absolutely no self discipline or control.  We’ve had food at work a few times, and I just pigged out.  No other way to put it.  Same thing at home, I’m just eating like famine is imminent.  Snacks, meals, more snacks, it just doesn’t matter.  And once again, I have set a new record for the heaviest I have ever been.

I’m disgusted with myself.  I worked so hard to lose the 50 lbs several years ago, and I’ve gained it all back, plus more.  I feel terrible, and can tell a difference in my overall health.  My clothes aren’t fitting, it’s getting tougher and tougher to get into my pants everyday.  Yet, I feel like I’m just out of control and I wonder if I’m sabotaging myself for some underlying reason.  Need to think about it a bit.

Why is it so hard to actually do what I intellectually know needs to be done, and truly want to do it?  Very confusing how our minds and bodies work.

I’ve got to think that being unhappy at work is related.  It’s pretty well documented that people eat when they are feeling stressed, depressed, down in the dumps, etc.  Work is certainly not fun, rewarding or motivational these days.  And it is very stressful lately.  That’s probably contributing to the eating problems.  So clearly I need to make the resolution of the work situation a priority.

I need to figure out what other things are triggering this self destructive behavior and deal with them.

Leadership – and impacts

Leadership, an interesting concept that has popped up in a few areas of my life and my observations lately.

At work.  I’m really losing confidence in our upper leaders.  Well, not the leaders at a corporate level, but within our own department.  At a corporate level, no issues.  But within our area, major concerns.  Specifically, my manager’s manager’s manager.  He is not supporting us and showing the leadership I expect, and need, from someone at that level.  We have seen a steady reduction in headcount through attrition and a decision not to replace people.  I’m OK with that, it’s a strategic decision to balance the costs of additional work with the benefits of that work relative to a difficult financial environment that we are operating in these days.  Where I’m having problems is that when we are out of capacity to take on more projects, which in reality means we’ve already over committed in an effort to really get as much done as possible, and a PR or BL escalates to him that their “very important” project isn’t being supported, he doesn’t stand up and explain that they’ve made a strategic decision to reduce capacity.  Instead he promises to find out how their project got missed and make sure it gets supported.  Which basically means we tell people to work overtime.  Unpaid.  Then when we have production issues from those projects we get to spend tons of time explaining what happened and why it won’t happen again.

Now I have three openings from people retiring, and so far he won’t approve any replacements, because I can’t tell him what projects won’t get done.  Which I can’t because we haven’t gone through the next prioritization cycle.  But he knows every quarter we can’t support the demand, and he tells us to do it anyway.  This is not leadership, this is just passing the buck and the blame to people below him.  Bad leadership.

I also recently saw an e-mail from him to his direct reports telling them to work together to prioritize all the openings and telling them to work it out and not make him make the hard decisions.  Why?  Isn’t that his role?  When I have multiple managers coming to me with conflicting requests, and I can’t support all of them, it’s my job to figure out priorities and make the decisions on what we will or won’t do.  I don’t tell my managers to go and resolve their competing needs for the benefit of all of us.  That’s my job, not theirs.  Their job is to tell me what they need and why.  My job is to then decide what can we do.  He is just passing the buck again.

Lately, I’ve had the chance to sit in on meetings as part of a large project where he is given updates.  I’ve seen several instances of revisionist history, where he tells us we did something wrong, but forgets that he was the one pressuring us to do what we did in the first place.  We were pressured to get the project to the Investment Committee because he agreed to start the work before funding was approved, so we had contractors that were a potential budget variance.  But when we found out that we didn’t estimate everything properly, he chastised us for being date driven, and that we should have spoken up that we needed more time and not let the BL push us into going to Investment Committee until we are ready.  But, the pressure wasn’t from the Business, it was from him.

All in all, I’m just seeing that there isn’t any real leadership at his level.  If he’s making decisions to reduce capacity, support us when it comes to the results of those decisions.

Politics – The recent death of Supreme Court Justice Scalia has completely reenforced my belief that there is just no leadership in our government.  Everything is simply an event to be used for political gain.  Republicans are saying they won’t approve a Supreme Court nominee because the next President should decide because the voters need to have a say in the nominee.  Democrats are saying that it is absolutely crazy to wait for the next President.  Of course, both sides are wrong in the extremes, but neither side has a leader willing to say that, and admit that there is some validity to the other party’s view.

As for the Democrats, there is definitely precedent to hold off on Judicial Nominees at the end of a President’s term.  Both parties have done it.  Listening to the Democrats, you would think that it’s never happened before, and if it has, it certainly wasn’t their party with that argument.  The reality is both parties have used the argument when convenient.  The truth, in my opinion, is that the argument shouldn’t come into play until you get close enough to the next inauguration that the nominee won’t be confirmed until the new President is in office.  At which point the new President is free to withdraw the nominee, and submit a new one.  So, why bother starting the process to confirm a new justice knowing that the new President can just stop the process.  However, we aren’t at that point in time.  It probably comes into play sometime in September.  And that’s what the Democrats should be saying.  Instead of acting with incredulity that the Senate would dare not approve a nominee while waiting for a new President, they should be saying there is definitely a time where that becomes a consideration.  But February is not that time.  There is plenty of time to get a nominee confirmed before the Supreme Court’s next session starts in October, and that should be the goal.  To wait for a new President, and then wait for the nomination, and then start hearings, means we will go almost 18 months before Scalia is replaced.  That should be the Democrat message, not that it’s crazy to ever wait for a new President.

Of course, the Republican position is equally absurd.  They say voters should have a say in who makes the nomination.  They did, they voted for Obama and a Republican led Senate.  If you are constantly going to wait for the next election before making a decision, nothing will ever get done, since there is always another election coming up.  That’s how our government works.  Those in power now, get to make decisions now, and those in power in the future get to make decisions at that time.  There is a vacancy on the Supreme Court now, and with no logistical concerns about approving a nominee prior to the next President taking office, there is not logical reason to wait.  Other than it might be politically expedient to do so.  By the reasoning that nothing important should happen during an election year, you are wiping out nearly 13 months until the next President takes office where nothing will get done.  That’s over 25% of the President’s term.  Will the Senators all give up their pay for this year since nothing should be done?  I doubt it.  And if you extend that thinking to the House, then 50% of the time is an election year, should all important decisions wait until the next House is elected.

And this goes back to my discussion on term limits.  The President has a term limit, so it is in his interest to act while still in office.  Representatives have no limits, and a system rigged to give an advantage to incumbents seeking reelection.  So if they are unable to impose their will, it is in their interest to wait, and wait, and wait.  If half the Senators up for reelection were unable to run again due to term limits, would they be so excited about letting the next group of Senators vote on this decision, or would they be more motivated to find a compromise position?

Personal life – I think I need to start thinking like a leader in my personal life and making the “hard” decisions and sticking to them and following through.  I’m still struggling with my weight and eating habits and exercise.  OK, some of the exercise issues are legitimate, I was sick again.  The amount of time I’ve been healthy since Thanksgiving is shockingly little.  But eating?  That I can control.  But I keep wimping out.  Last night was classic, just snacking and snacking on junk food.  I resolve to do better, but then I don’t.  That same lack of leadership characteristics I criticize in others is what I do in my own life.  I rationalize that it’s not my fault – vendor left us food at work, wife buys junk food, etc.  I need to think like a leader in charge of my own life and health.

Running & “running” – part 2

Got to the gym to try running on the treadmill.  The results were mediocre.  I tried to run at the same 12:30 pace I ran outdoors on Monday, but that didn’t work out, I could only get to about half a mile before I needed to walk.  Continuing to alternate walking and running, I eventually slowed the running down to 13:00.  Eventually I made it to a total of 2.5 miles, averaging a 14:01 pace with all the walking.  Somewhat disappointing, I was hoping to be able to duplicate Monday’s effort, but I just couldn’t do it.  Definitely I’m too heavy and out of shape.  Probably still recovering from the double red cell blood donation a few weeks ago, based on previous history of the recovery time from double red donations.  Nothing to do but keep plugging away.

The absurd situation of weight gain become most obvious yesterday, when the button on my pants broke.  Not that the thread holding it on broke, the plastic itself broke.  Not good.

And one more political rant.  Trump says the Iowa victory by Cruz shouldn’t count because Cruz intentionally spread false information.  I’m quite sure that if that standard was applied, there hasn’t been a valid election in this country.  Ever.  At any level of government.  OK, maybe some small local races, but definitely nothing at a state or national level.  Not to mention, any victory Trump will get will also need to be vacated.  Can’t any politician every just acknowledge reality?

Running & “running”

First, my running.  I gave it a shot last night.  It’s been 6 1/2 weeks since I hurt my ankle, and nearly 3 weeks since my last attempt on the treadmill.  My ankle is still swollen, but it’s clearly better, and doesn’t hurt other than if I try and push the range of motion, which is not quiet 100%.  But, I figured it was time to try and see where things stand, so to speak.  And I’ve been frustrated that it’s been a relatively mild winter and I haven’t been able to take advantage of it.  So, with our impending major snowstorm / blizzard, I decided it was a good day to give it a test run.

I made it through 2.38 miles although very slowly.  Even by my standards.  Average pace of 12:31.  But, in all honesty, I didn’t think I’d be able to do that much without walking, so I was happy.  Got to start at the beginning again, but it’s a start.  My ankle felt fine afterwards, although today it’s been a little sore, maybe.  Not sure.  I’m paying attention to it so maybe it’s nothing more than normal, but I keep checking it.  I guess I’ll see over the next couple of days.  I’ll try to do another couple of short runs and see how things go before I even start to worry about working on speed or increasing distance.

“Running”  That would refer to all the politicians running for office.  I really am concerned about the broken system my kids, and hopefully grandkids someday, will have to live with.  Nobody actually stands for anything.  The goal is to get elected.  Which in today’s world means represent your party, not your constituents, and then do whatever it takes to keep your party happy.  It’s a mess, nobody really stands for anything, they say whatever they are told to say, and the focus is always on the next election so nothing gets done.  Nobody is focused on real issues, but they focus on issues that get people riled up.  Is access to birth control really the biggest issue facing our country?  Do we really need to take health insurance away from 10 million people to prove a political point?  We’ve got a crumbling infrastructure, that seems important.  We’ve got a society that is endangered due to climate change, but instead of trying to find some practical approach to deal with it it’s more politically advantageous to keep debating if it’s real.  Politicians now say that they can’t speak on the topic because they aren’t scientists, but when it’s pointed out that something like 97% of all scientists are in agreement, they say you can’t trust the scientists because they have a self interest in claiming it’s a problem.  So we can’t trust non-scientists because they don’t understand it, but the only thing they know is that we also can’t trust scientists.  Huh?

Six years ago Republicans took over the majority of the House.  On election night, before they were even inaugurated, Boehner was asked what their legislative agenda would be, and he responded that it would be to ensure Obama was a one term President.  Or in other words, for two years every vote, every decision would be made based on it’s impact on the next Presidential election.  Then when Obama won re-election, he stated that the legislative agenda would now be to make sure the Republicans would win the White House in 2016.  Basically they’ve been willing to waste 6 years of our time and money doing nothing about real problems because solving them would not be politically beneficial.

And if we wind up with another Democratic President with the Republicans in control of Congress, will they spend the next four years focusing on making sure whoever is President is a one term President?  Probably.

One huge problem is that there is so much data available today, politicians continuously tailor their message to whatever the polls indicate will increase their chance of getting elected.  Instead of being willing to stand up and say “I believe in X, Y and Z, and if you don’t, then don’t vote for me” and campaign on their beliefs, they are relying more and more on polling data to decide what to believe in.  Consequently, they all sound more and more alike.  I have no idea what to do about this.

Other problems are fixable.  It is clear that an overwhelming majority of people in the country are in favor of term limits for Representatives and Senators.  People were supposed to go to Washington to represent their home district or state, and then return home and live their.  Congress was never supposed to be a lifelong career.  Would representatives be so willing to waste six years if they were going to have to leave office for term limits?  I doubt it.  If they knew they wouldn’t be there after the next election they are focused on, they might worry more about getting something done and not worrying about who gets credit.  We put term limits on the President to ensure a turnover of power, we need to do it for Congress.  We need a Constitutional Amendment.

Next problem is all the money.  Ever since the Supreme Court overturned nearly 250 years of legal precedent and decided that corporations had the same rights as people (and conservatives complain about liberal judges creating legislation from the bench – didn’t see them get upset about 250 years of precedent wiped out) and that campaign contribution limits are a form of free speech, we’ve got huge amounts of money coming from these super PAC’s.  Which is why it doesn’t matter if you represent your constituents.  If you do what your constituents want but it goes against what the party wants, they will pour a ton of money into backing an opponent who will tow the line, and re-election becomes nearly impossible.  So it’s more important for a candidate to represent the groups with the dollars, because it takes a lot of money to win an election.  Again, polls show most of the country is in favor of campaign finance limits.  Was there really a problem that corporations weren’t giving enough money to politicians?  Don’t think so.  Again, we need Constitutional Amendments.  Corporations are not people, and don’t have the same rights as people.  Corporations are concepts, organizations, ideas.  They have no rights.  They can be regulated.  Next, we need an amendment allowing limits on campaign contributions.  We need to acknowledge that when a group can provide such huge sums of money, it functions as a bribe.  We will only fund candidates that vote the way we want, and if you don’t, we will fund your opponent.  With money so important, these donations become the same as bribes.  Donating money is not free speech, it can be regulated, and should be regulated, and we need an amendment to ensure it is done.  And finally, all money donated to any race should be limited to coming from citizens who live in the voting area.  That’s the congressional district for a representative, and the state for a Senator.  If China donated a trillion dollars to a Presidential candidate, that would not be tolerated.  It would be correctly seen as outside influence of our political system.  So why is it OK for a billionaire in Wisconsin to donate several million dollars to a House race in Virginia?  That needs to be treated the same way.  Force politicians to raise money from their constituents, not from outside sources.  Make them represent the people who vote for them.  We need another amendment limiting all campaign donations to eligible voters in a given election.  Not corporations, not PAC’s, not groups.  People.  Voters.

Politics has become a big business, and it was never supposed to be.  It was supposed to be a way for people to be represented in the national government.  Instead, we’ve gotten to the point where the system pretty much guarantees that nobody is represented.  The system is broken.  These fixes won’t fix everything, but it’s a big start, and it’s all things that have wide support in the country.  By everyone except the politicians.  Which proves the point that we aren’t being represented.

I’m worried about the world my kids will have, because I don’t see it getting better, but I see it getting worse.  Candidates are no longer worried about even pretending they speak the truth.  Honesty isn’t a virtue among candidates, it’s a handicap.  In the 2012 election, Romney’s campaign manager came right out and said they wouldn’t let fact checkers influence their message.  The basic campaign technique is to say whatever you want, and repeat it often enough so that people accept it as fact.

I hope that the next generation will have the courage to change things.  I see some really brilliant and motivated young people.  The question is whether the system will beat them down and wear them down, or can they change things?  For their sake, I hope they can make some changes.